“The Zeus burger is considered the largest hamburger in the United States. This hamburger consists of a 7 pound burger and 5.5 pounds of toppings and home baked bun which has to be eaten in three hours.”

The text is taken from the hall of legendary burgers, part of the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters, a noble alliance of Hoagy Heroes committed to doing their durned best to “increase public awareness and acceptance of Competitive Eating as a sport and a form of entertainment.”

Their site even has a link devoted to the “Food Warriors.”

*** This reminded me of the time my friend Jason said that the U.S. should be renamed “CowboySexBurger”.I laughed, but was soon struck by how apt this was. The term seemed to sum up a good chunk of our country’s long-gathering lusts and obsessions: hypermasculinity, a reactionary over-consumption (inflamed in part by years of redstate exposure to liberal pro-veg. arguments), sex-gorging in all forms of media. Like Portnoy in a Marlboro-Man stetson hat, chewing skoal, raging on ‘roids, with his whang stuffed in a bucket full of bloody chuck.CowboySexBurger.

Adults nationwide increasingly incapable of normal sexual relations & increasingly turning to a slavering fever of manic consumption (conscious junk-eating being almost an act of power, of agency) to allay anxieties and frustrations they couldn’t gain insight into if their gravy fries depended on it.

Food Warriors.

CowboySexBurger.

It makes me think of guacamole gladiators, brandishing buttered short-swords, pouring catsup libations on the graves of our noble, kentuckyfried fallen, covering their eyes with thin discs of prosciutto.

So support your troops, your Competitive Eaters. Watch them salute each other before gut-battle with a fork clang, swearing oaths by laying hands on the consecrated meatball.

And our soldiers need more than just support. They need chicken wings & pepperoni sticks. Moreover, they need you to root out the enemy from within: throw tripe-scraps on any underfed commie twig-eater art-fag you see. These are people who hate America.

More importantly, these are people who hate ham.

We’ve come too far to let them stop us. Call on Zeus, call on Burgers, worship a porkchop and let the Butter Battles Begin.

posted by Crow at 12:05 am